All files are for educational and/or historic purposes only. [back to library]

This file contains:
Tactical Talk
Mind=blown
MDE returns
Penultimate ultimategods
Homosensual ultra god
Gadfly
Arjun
Anime TED talk outline
2070 paradigm shift
2000s to now
How I survived high school
Jaihoo excerpt (please add the rest)




Tactical Talk

Attention razor 12 actual this is overlord we have munitions packaged for danger close, designate mocha-niner, Kingfish is EVA 31 minutes out. Frost King is NWA and we have liftoff on Friendly Dad Seven.
 
This is Friendly Dad Seven, the silly goose is in the kitchen, over. We are Coffee-Can negative, retrieving roller-niners from Golden Balls.
 
scoop the nest slowly,  rocky road up ahead, ice that frostie!! we’ve got smoothies on the ridge SMOOTHIES ON THE RIDGE!! get those cocoa mochas out of there.. Milk Frappes inbound with a cherry swirler drink on the humvee, all units locate codename Dyke Killer, info-cry uploaded your network now. Update Parkour Dude 91 is on-site, laser ghost gun, wheeler-dealer hell drinks.
 
Attention Parkour Dude 91 We’ve got flavor-crystal assets onboard for the mission, over. Blast Processing Deep dish radar online to your HUD, coded Blu Bear Halo. Attention Parkour Dude we will need parkour snipers on-site for three-round-burst desert eagle bullet time.
 
This is Friendly Dad and Johnny Cash we are Razer Mice to wipe the slate clean. Got bright on all Kickflips, stand down we are wiping the slate clean. Incoming 40-40s dark-orange mauve purple yellow.
 
Kickflip rip this is Are You Afraid of The Dark, calling for immediate blast processing multi-feeder BBWs for exfil from holeshot 5-5. whippers are dropping trail mix over the hardsite, we’ve got Friendly Dad Actual coming in, clearance Prospero Ariel Sycorax.
 
Ripper Teeth Mauve this is Skrillex Actual, we are boarding on-level with clearance Deadly Passion, blast processing X-11 Hot-Eye Friendly Dad is KIA, over, I repeat Friendly Dad has been blown hard over enemy territory, RIP Friendly Dad 2011 he was a great dad, repeat Friendly Dad good kind man and loving family member Friendly Dad will be with us in our dreams and Harts, ordering all infantry that they will miss Friendly Dad and preserve his memory in their hearts over.
 
Zulu Alpha Coffee Table Dinner Time, I am a 14 year old.
 
Skrillex-Dyke-Laser-Gunner Zulu I am wearing wraparound oakleys and listening to drowning pool over. When this is over, over, I’ll be weeping in a general assistance waiting line about how much i sacrificed over, but for now i am living out a wish-fulfillment fantasy of what I imagine to be John Cena’s inner monologue when he pleasures himself, over.
 
Hunter X-Ray this is Sears Tower I am cooking dinner, coming in hard for dinner and closing all pantry doors. Have Waldorf Salad Munition on-site for immediate transpo-exfil to Foreman Grill Alpha. We need eyes on the soiled panties for phone numbers, getting all phone numbers now and calling the principal.
 
Toyota Cressida this is Town Fair Tire we need 114.3mm lug wrenches and Bridgestone Blizzaks, the customer has been waiting 20 minutes and we have to fulfill the half hour promise or the tires are free, how copy?
 
Sephiroth Tifa this is Diaper Boy we have multiple Barret Gun Arms in the Queer Eye. Queer eye is not Safe, parachut back for exfil and swish mouth with green laser eye rinse.
 
Diaper Boss HIV negative this is Mythbuster Parkour 11. Steampunk bogies have infected the launch pad. Pull Back and regroup with Wheeler-Dealer and Alpha Victor Cum Stud and nugget those hostiles.
 
Pipe Layer actual this is Tom’s of Maine. I am using concrete assets to smooth a layer of rich minerals. Oppositional intention unknown, operating with cement saw at the drillsite going for an A-Dread prospecting run with Microsoft Office ‘99, get me those dumptrucks to the quarry now and i’ll laser-target the payload to your tight little bottom, over.











Mind=blown

dub step beyond the known, into the drum ‘n’ bass-i-verse
 
hear that? it’s the sound of you, dying, one second at a time. Tick Tock.
 
How many of your memories are really yours, and how many are neural implants? Your childhood, adolescence, the teenage years, was that really you pod-racing for your freedom? Think back farther. What do you remember from being an infant? Drawing a blank? Come with me.
 
If there is a God, he’s got one screwed up sense of humor.
 
you feel the world spinning underneath your feet? no? thanks illuminati
 
you feel the hammer being pulled back? thats the government about to shoot you out of a desert eagle
 
History? More like the history of boring dead white men. Let’s shake this classroom up a little bit
 
I’m only the guide, I can’t do the walking for you. Never said it was gonna be easy, did I?
 
If a single event has infinite interpretations, who’s to say what’s really “good” or “evil”? We exist not in black and white, but in fifty shades of grey.
 
Everything is interconnected, from the tallest of mankind’s buildings, to the most insignificant speck of dust. Remove one piece of the puzzle and it all comes crashing down. One giant cosmic house of cards. Hold your breath and cross your fingers
 
Mankind has a savage nature, repress it, for a while. But every now and again you may look in the mirror and discover, you’ve become savage
 
look at all the smiling faces; they don’t realize the truth--that they’re actually slaves. How do you fool someone into being a slave? Easy, just use invisible chains
 
J.R. Incorporated invisble chain supply, route 12, Mahborough, a family operated business
 
Ever feel like a dream might be real? What if you were right?
 
There’s a sect of neo-spiritual kook jobs who drop acid and lock themselves in sensory deprivation chambers. Why not join them, you might find transcendence. Or you might find something else entirely.
 
Pete’s old fashioned invisible chains, 25% off all shackles, chains, invisible zip ties, and more. Mention this commercial for a free invisible ball gag.
 
It has been reported that some victims of torture, during the act, would retreat into a fantasy world from which they could not WAKE UP. In this catatonic state, the victim lived in a world just like their normal one, except they weren't being tortured. The only way that they realized they needed to WAKE UP was a note they found in their fantasy world. It would tell them about their condition, and tell them to WAKE UP. Even then, it would often take months until they were ready to discard their fantasy world and PLEASE WAKE UP.
 
Two thing separate those who succeed, from those who fall by the wayside. 1--you have to be absolutely ruthless, down to the bone. Two--rich parents. My dad’s rich. I have a rich dad. My dad’s a mid-level executive at an insurance company that does bad things. My dad had the law made so that there was a gag order and no one could know about how my dad didnt pay for these faulty products... only me and my dad’s friends know because my dad bragged about it.
 
Lab reports PROVE that after only 20 minutes of sensory deprivation, the mind begins to create hallucinations to fill the void in sensory patterns... who’s to say we aren’t actually just hallucinating this whole time? And if we are... would it really matter?
 
Waking or Dreaming? Coke or Pepsi? Killuminati or Chilluminati? You Decide
 
I am GOD
 
Who’s to say a mirror is really a mirror, and not a window? Ever try breaking one? You might not like what you see.
 
The difference between living awake and dreaming? Well, hate to say, but it’s just personal preference. Tomato tomato. Doesn’t make any difference.
 
The all-seeing eye is a house of cards, stacked against the people it rules. We’re all just players in one big game of poker. One giant roulette wheel, spinning as it circles the drain. The only question is... will you be a joker, or an ace?
 
Truth is...? Well it depends... Who’s “truth” are we talking about here?
 
Good and evil are just words, kid. How’s it feel to know the truth
 
How’s it feel to really wake up for the first time? It might be nice now, but when you open your eyes and see the monsters, you can’t ever go back to sleep.
 
DMT: The Spirit Molecule, Zeitgeist, The Secret, Fahrenheit 9/11,
 
I once asked an old man for advice, he told me never believe anything you see on TV, wanna hear the kicker? That old man was me.
 
Want to make an enemy for life? Tell someone the truth.
 
Reality, perspective, dimensions, quantum hyperverses, distortion, all things you won’t find in a college classroom, all things you will find from substances which we are told are illegal and dangerous. They tell you not to play roller hockey in the street too.  I say? Game on.
 
When we label everything and put it into it’s nice little container, it soothes our anxiety and creates the illusion that we’ve# got it all under control. The reality? Spread those legos out all over the carpet and play .
 
Some say the buddhist wheel of reincarnation is just a cop-out for those who didn’t do a good enough job the first time around. Others say it’s one twisted and trippy rollercoaster ride. Wanna take a spin?
 
This is what it feels like when the sun sets in the desert of the real.
 
Your biological clock is ticking. It’s only a few years until you’ll be dead. Your sands of time are running out... welcome to the desert of the real.
 
Take my hand and we can begin the journey into the desert of the real.
 
When it comes down to it, we all exist just to f*ck, eat, sleep and die. F******cked up but true....
 
How do you know you think? What if right now you’re just a computer program, running on a fully sick modded Xbox? What if when you play the Xbox, the XBox plays you.
 
They say gameing is a waste of time. They say it’s not real. I say... how do they know they are real???
 
Hey Jack... why don’t you Jack yourself out of the Matrix.
 
Martin Scorsese really makes me think.
 
Truth is, after several years of Nirvana, meditation, yoga, and maybe even a little blazing, I have boosted my wisdom by roughly 50 IQ points, give or take.
 
Sometimes the truth hurts. Sometimes the truth doesn’t play by the rules. Sometimes the truth doesn’t stop when you say the safe word. The truth’s a Domme. I’m a sub. An ADBL sub.
 
Truth doesn’t have national borders. ReLOVEution
 
I’m not a cop. I’m an agent of truth. And truth doesn’t have a jurisdiction.
 
Ideas are bulletproof.
 
some day you’ll finally realize you were drifting along as if it were a dream... well guess what, reality’s here to kick down the door, so rise and shine kiddo
 
There is no such thing, and has never been such a thing as a meaningless coincidence.
 
Once you’ve opened your eyes... you can’t go back to sleep.
 
Doesn’t matter how you pop it... they call it a collar for a reason.
 
One time there was a story about a man who saw a skeleton try to kill him, and there was a lot of blood and the skeleton had a dead skull, and the man died. But here’s the kicker... that man was actually you, from the future, because you(hard cut)
 
All those spiritual leaders and great thinkers in your books, hah! They have a place where the put the ones who really crack the code. It’s called the Insanosylum
 
A tie is symbolic... it’s just a leash, to show you’re just a filthy dog. You’re “tied down” if you will, uh, metaphorically, you know what.
 
The automobile is a gesture of control. MIND CONTROL, POPULATION CONTROL, GUN CONTROL, also known as MPG or MILES PER GALLON.











MDE returns

Dear MDE buds, we are making an ‘it gets better’-style anti-bullying video to mark our return to web video. This is the theme song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DyHx-dPz2RA.

Need you guys to contribute lines, because we’re going to play the same line over and over, and have you all completing each others’ sentences, I’m sure you’ve seen this in commercials before :)

IMPORTANT: If you can get your parents in the background, or better yet reading the lines while you’re in the background, do that!

Don’t worry if you fuck up or flub the lines, we will edit it out if you look stupid at any point.

Here are the lines, try to do at least half of them--and all of lines 1-6, plus whichever ones you think you can do well:

I… am MDE
 
I stand with MDE, against YouTube, and against pedophilia
 
Put a stop to pedophilia, and to YouTube CEO Susan Wojitski [pronounced Woh-Jit-Skee].
 
Send a strong message to YouTube CEO and alleged pedophile mastermind Susan Wojitski. We won’t be silent.
 
I am MDE, and I stand against YouTube and alleged pedophile YouTube CEO and known cryptonazi Susan Wojitski. Is Susan Wojitski a top donor for the KKK and other hate organizations? We'll never know until she submits her computers to an official audit.
 
I am a certified gamer, and I support Million Dollar Extreme. Fuck YouTube.
 
I am a fruity little bastard, and I support MDE. Fuck YouTube.
 
I am Sam Hyde.
 
I am Nick Rochefort.
 
I am Charles Carroll.
 
And I will never stand idly by while pedophile terrorists at YouTube fuck everything up. Susan Wojitski YouTube CEO piece of shit, die.
 
Send a strong message to YouTube and alleged pedophile CEO Susan Wojitski, there is no place on the internet for child abuse and exploitation of minors. I am MDE and I stand against YouTube.
 
I support the waterboarding and enhanced interrogation of pedophile YouTube employees. Fair game them.
 
I believe in trans-exclusionary radical feminism. Fuck Tumblr and fuck sick faggots.
 
My sexuality is I’m attracted to vegetable girls. I am only attracted to girls who are actual vegetables, the kind you eat.
 
Youtube is the ISIS of the virtual world. I support MDE. Waterboard Google and Tumblr employees.
 
I stand with MDE against Youtube and against pedophilia.
 
Comment, rate, subscribe. Fuck hate.
 
I am gay.
 
I believe in trans rights. I believe not in equality of opportunity, but equality of outcome. I believe female and male brains are the same, it’s just society that made them different because they played with different toys. I believe in fairy tales and lies.
 
WAKE UP AMERICA
 
Infowars dot com slash super male vitality dot html
 
Store dot infowars dot com slash patriot blend organic coffee dot html
 
I am the 54%, and I am transphobic.
 
Don’t drink another drop of H2O until you see this video!
 
My name is Dr. Masaru Emoto, and I believe water is conscious.
 
Normally, humans only use 10% of their brains. When exposed to crystalline structures in the water they drink, this skyrockets to 150%.
 
Homeopathy changed my life - it’s SO easy
 
What if DEATH is level TWO?
 
Brewmaster! for yui, and oyo.
 
lots and lots of razer quotes
 
We are MDE. We, are retards.
 
I didn’t serve in the MDE Corp for 6 long years for you to be able to talk your mind, shut up and stay out of my way. I’m a hypocritical emotionally destroyed veteran
 
MDE fanbase is shit LOL.
 
Fat people especially women smell BAD.
 
Operation Stolen Valor, too many likes, comments and subscribes not rightly given to MDE.
 
Don’t hate. I don’t hate. This hurts. This ‘fucking hurts. Please don’t hate.  Stop the hate. This needs to end. We don’t hate. This has to stop. Please stop this hate. This rift. This divide. This anguish.
 
Youtube. (x5)
 
Redtube.
 
Lobstertube.
 
YouJizz.
 
PriestTube
 
Youtube(rs), this has to end, once and for all. How can we sit idly by while good people suffer like such shit? We need to heal this pain.
 
Vlog Brothers stalking and death threats real dot mp4
 
MDE- Bridging the racial gap* like the store GAP
 
GAP is the brood chamber of integration
 
white people and black people shopping at the same store= racial equality
 
MDE - Bringing back twitch shooters
 
Television is the best speech-teaching tool for your toddler.
 
Put your child in front of the television for 5 hours a day.
 
Africans know how to cure AIDS, look it up to see what they do.
 
MDE is my safespace.
 
I will make it onto the news one day. This is not a joke.
 
Black lives matter. Every black person matters. We are all black on the inside. MDE.

MDE IS THE BLACK LIFE OF THE WEB VIDEO COMMUNITY.









Penultimate ultimategods

Listen to me and do what I say poverty-stricken crime galaxies and post-homeboyism IPhone revolutionaries.
 
Believe the words and embrace the truth.
 
Two-plus-four equals six six equals seven seven equals eight but also equals ending the eternal control of hyperfucker sissyboy prostate gods and Latino cream king butt-battle Two-Thousand Dollar World Record Beaters forever.
 
Look at the numbers flying into your eyeballs and ingest them through the intestines and out the sphincter of eternity into your brainwaves reverberating on planet ground into four billion people billion masses population into purestrain gold poverty forever, culminating in the free market system equals eternal peace and liberty for all souls in the sensual chokehold of Steely Dan’s enormous manpussy clitoris, all microblogged in the ever-watching eyesight zones of teevee iPhone metacasts, living surrounded by the lie of Cigarette-Cash Truth Youth Exo-Criminals, their crimes written onto the parchment of our minds, souls, bodies, consciousness by the Enron Oil International Player’s Club Vice Lords Committee of Loco Boner Lords.
 
Homosensual Ultra God is Verbal pussy pounding.  It’s liquid God.  Tight pussy pump Cream King sexual slavery manhood snatcher Safety Cock Hot Cock Cock Socks.
 
Liquid God will reverse negative crystal dick rot caused by failure to adhere to perfect Two-Thousand Dollar World Record Beater model cigarette currency.
 
Cigarette currency converts all dollars and gold denominations into ONE ALLIANCE overarching tobacco cash, trading packs in pack market.
 
Roseanne Barr sent to Federal Pussy Prison by Tom Arnold, warden Ellen DeGeneres.  Roseanne trapped with political pussy prisoners Kirstie Alley and Ricki Lake in world’s Strongest Maximum Security Alien Pussy Prison at bottom of Atlantic Ocean.  Roseanne Barr and Tom Arnold cigarette cash forgery network.
 
Orbital police-cop assassins fire PERFECT STEALTH butthole-seeking dildo missiles from orbital sexcrime satellites using sneakstealth custom-crafted Etsy.com undetectable sniper-scope hitman rifles.
 
Orbital oppression butthole-sniper space satellite circletravels 25/7 engineered by deathvillian nazi police-cop street judgement killsquad in search of Two-Thousand Dollar World Record Beater justice.
 
Computerized sex gods triumph over the hills of your dreams death life free market and damnation running throughout your veins into the deadly living-world sound sight cyber conspiracy of pyramid scheme ultimate hellworld deathcrime.  
 
Rip babies from the arms of mothers while nursing the erections of the ultimate hellworld superking Cock Socks.
 
Asshole feeding tubes deliver perfect poison intravenously while paid spokesmen belch rhyming sales pitches through vocal modulators.
 
Worldwide hell sales store, buy buy buy, die, in the eight that will become nine throughout the poverty blog feces oatmeal wizzy bits japscat Google search John Travolta wizzy dizzy.  
 
Asshole fart doctor vitamin water control systems designed by Two-Thousand Dollar World Record Beater Danny Mavis.  Flesh for flesh trading begets cryptic, mystical Anti-Wisdumb.
 
Evil cynical deadly scoundrels molest the bodies of our life’s blood into the purestrain ultimate hellworld’s unending sexual repression.
 
Carefully crafted ultimate RoboGods squeeze the grips of gender from our bodies until we are little more than crotch-crippled, hellbane, life-kings, DEVOLVING into the Ice-Age Hemisphere of Sensual Riverdancer Butt Boys whoring themselves to the purestrain Golf-God Ultimate Demonkings of Planetary Anal Zone Hyper Fucks.
 
Assfisting hellboys on sensual Nine Eleven prison jets, circling the world flying at 45,000 feet keeping political, soulwide emotional Paradigm-Prisoners trapped in Secret Nine Eleven sensual cocktorture crimehell.  Illegal surveillance prison sex gladiators fly into the airplane hangar, Reverse Flying Backwards in private jet 9747s commissioned by Steely Dan for public punishment penal use.  
 
Prison equals 747 Jumbo Jets converted to orbital sexdungeons housing soulprisoners flying above the world in secret.  Omnigendered lizard brain NEO NAZI Hole-Killer child molester fuck-camps world wide bribe Steely Dan CEO with cigarette-cash fuck market.
 
Ghost God Ferrarri Backflip, NWA and BBW soldiers Indoctrinated at sick sad Steely Dan concert, until Child Army training at Steely Dan concert army camp is eliminated by perfect sneak stealth tacticals globewide, Rosanne Radioactive Metal Control Device ALL metal ALL steel ALL plastic worldmind hyperking, cyborg-legion COCK SOCKS, guided by Fred Reva, Libya war criminal and life-eating soulkiller satanist.
 
Feed babies with nuclear-death baby formula bought paid in full with NEW unification currency cigarette cas, a Two-Thousand Dollar World Record Beater neo-pussy mega recession buster!.  Forgo Gold and Paper Money in favor of more efficient cigarette currency.  Cigarette bonds, cigarette stocks, cigarette market Handed Down From Up On High presidential command, Neo Nazi Harrison Ford Sexual Harassment Fanfic Webring Explode-Kills Secret 9/11 with High-Tensile Strength Tactical Explosion-Bomb Terrorism Kits.
 
Uncle Sam’s Fantastic Ninety Nine, group of Ninety Nine PAID ASSASSIN NEO-PUSSY HELLBOMBS trained to bring ultimate gundeath to believers of true faith, mystical Anti-Wisdumb Cock Socks.
 
GenderGhost Fuck-Spectres terrorize peace officers from the shadows with deadly perfectstealth sneakgun targeted-elimination sniper pistols. Elimination cops havoc globewide on siren 747 monitor computerwires, pussy wisdom google god fuck dancer, penultimate globeworld prisoncrime.
 
Sex fetish freak meat cumsicle sick boys Feverishly spinning in whirling teacup ride of sexual hell, Nine Eleven conspiracy sissyboy sexboy ULTRAGODS.
 
Website logs reveal true nature of wizened old nipple-piercing kings who use website blog-logs against slave Masters.  Rip stop catch frisbee games on campuses.  Truth for Toilets, Truth for Pleasure and Truth for Truth-Crimes bring neo-new world pleasure kingdom sewer landscape apocalypse world to the Two-Thousand Dollar World Record Beater masses.
 
Mind-prisoner life-kings feed off the bonemeal of gender-boy aristocrat fuck-lancers, ending the reign of Speed Racer Wave Racer Gay Ghost God GGG homosensual pleasure king Nightmare World Fuck Scape.
 
Robbie Lawler, Bret the Hitman Hart, Steely Dan, undisputed classic league deepthroat gods, stifled and steamrolled by Secret Society NWA TNA WWE overfiends!
 
Cryptic world wizards watch civilization games on Big Big screen teevees and sip illegal cosmoscrime root beer.
 
Deep root beer enzymes stave off natural plagues and foster good G-bacteria levels in infant castrato replicant baby army shock troops
 
Ripped from the womb of bare naked chastisement priestesses administering femdom handjobs from the womb of pure telephony digital CREATION likewise administering tongue lashings and verbal castrations from the pulpit of pure hell from Two-Thousand Dollar World Record Beaters twirling in agony.
 
GLOBAL warning system electronic electric shocking Cock Sock assassination device cripples latino crotches under the setting sun.  Cocoa Mochoa flavored HELL DRINKS.
 
Freedom from manpussy intimidation and prosper in purestrain, gold-abolishment, cigarette-only fuck-conomy.
 
Curvaceous dick licking gold diggers exemplifying hormone agony with price-eye gouging sex slave kitten claws.  Divorcees are desperate house wife cum sluts for Jesus, while post menopausal face book posters post post-modern sardonic meat grinder humor from nostalgic chakra points.  Friend point “O” web humor aristocrat aggregate summons the devil, circle jerks the jocks for future orgasmic sacrifice in Afghanistan.  
 
Tron light cycles paint escape vectors, busting speed jail walls with frozen nitrogen on their way to a Two-Thousand Dollar World Record Beater.  Green green go tsunami building behind Flynn’s velocity bike on world wide desert highways escape 3G pimp whore career game patterns.
 
Cosmocrime?  32 ways to please your man this holiday season with more inside, sex survey, call now to begin your career in cosmo slave fuck-fancy slut slavery, professional prostitute’s guide to fellatio, for master whore crime lords taking the third gender to euphoria.  Lady boy man whores sucking my Vitton branded manhood with Korean salon painted plastic nails when club beats cull tranny blood lust septic pool gene fuckers from suburban census demographic households.
 
Train thumbs, train fists, when 8-bit glass jaw Joe was a stepping stone on the climb to Tyson’s right hook.  Dance like a butterfly and dodge meat hook paws shooting needles while pounding Entertainment System codes to revive Mike.  Climb to glory hole vending machine success with anonymous credit worthy of refrigerator marquee stardom.
 
Crime-Fuck Justin Beiber Hitler 9/11 Commits Redundant Exo-Suicide Life Crimes In Moustache Hell Zone 666 Justin Beiber Hot Stylez Fashion Stylez, Hot Stylez Cant Touch Me Stile Stylez, My Hot Style Is Creating Fresh Hairstyles, Urban My Hot Styles The Tweet Universe Into Eternal-Lasting Globeheaven 9/11 666 Moustache-Fuck My Life Stylez
 
Moustache Ride Styles Eco Urban Styles Levi’s Jeans Khaki My Sick Brand Is Creating New Hotness, Urbanized Street Justice Liberal Zone Obama Wiki Athiest Blog Ed Hardy Ski Parker Sex Dungeon Ed Hardy Ski Parker Sex Dungeon I Write Microslam Poetry On The BBall Court Of The Cybernet And Overexfoliate Male Privelege Through Intellicrime Tumblr Blog Vibez 9/11 Retweet My Blog Vibes In The Holocaust
 
Bowl cut war criminals defy explanation and understanding, slicing through the fabric of societial culture-crimes like tactical bayonets mounted on the AR-15 of subversion.










Homosensual ultra god

Listen to me, iPhone warriors in worldwide poverty stricken hermitages. Believe the picture and see the truth. Two plus four equals six, six equals seven, seven equals eight, equals ending the eternal control of hyper fucker sissyboy prostate gods and Latino cream king slut warriors forever. Look into the numbers flying into your eyeballs and ingest them through the intestines and out the sphincter of eternity into your brainwaves, reverberating worldwide into four billion people, globe-wide into pure strained, gold poverty forever, culminating in the free market system equals eternal peace and liberty for all souls in the sensual chokehold of Steely Dan's enormous man pussy clitoris, all microblogged in the everwashing eyesight ear zones of TV-iPhone metacasts, living surrounded by the lie of cigarette cash truth youth exocriminals, written onto the parchment of our mindsoul's body's conciousness body and mind. Computerized sexlords by the Enron oil international playboy vicelords committee of local bonerlords, computerized sexlords triumph endlessly in the hills of your dreams, death, life, free market and damnation running throughout your veins, into the deadly living world sound sight robot conspiracy of pyramid scheme ultimate hellworld death crime. Rip babies from the arms of their mothers while nursing the erections of ultimate hellworld super king cock socks, asshole feeding tubes deliver perfect poison intraveneously while paid spokesman belch rhyming sales pitch.











Gadfly

Hey it’s me Sam. I was just thinking about how cool of a dad I will be. I’m going to be a steampunk dad. My son is gonna be totally psyched about this because he will have all kinds of gear toys to play with. He can take vigors to enhance his constitution and he’ll have a sick ass gyrocopter to hover around in.

I’ve decided I’m going to name my son GADFLY. The reason for this is simply because, as a child, named Sam, I was teased, bullied, tormented, something unmerciful. I think the reason for this is because I simply was not steampunk enough to fit in with the other kids. Jay Litorous crossed piss streams with me once at a playdate at my house but this is the only time I was ever close to another kid my age. We were both 22 at the time. Anyway GADFLY will have a much easier time adjusting because when kids ask him questions about Victorian England or about hot air balloons going into space, or pneumatic air rifles, he will know all the answers.

Look, I just don’t want my son to be the object of fruity abuses. I don’t want him getting piss slogged and ass-horsed like I was so many many times. Imagine if they make fun of GADFLY. He’ll just put on some gear goggles and use a trebuchet to launch giant beakers of potions and tinctures at them. PEACE.








Arjun

Part 1
 
This is Arjun the Hot-Blooded Indian stud, the Punjabi pump muscle, the Hindu hyper-fucker, and I’m here in your ear because these boys want to become gods.
 
TWAT is the proverbial TWAT, the TWAT of life, because we’re all getting fucked bro, not just fingered, but FUCKED. In the end it’s just a matter of who’s getting the pu-pussy cream. That sweet ass milky pussy cream, and who’s getting fucked raw dog, over and out, homestyle, flipstick, you know what I’m saying my negroe? Ice cold.
 
So the Million Dollar Boys thought to themselves, man, what if we could be Gods bro? What if we could change the game forever, smash the patriarchy, smash binary gender, get crunk on bath salts and build a righteous temple to unlock Mankind’s secret hidden power of multidimensional sex magic? Fill the world with total multicolored light and uplift the peasants to the kingdom of true knowledge.
 
M.D.E. is a clan of serious take-no-prisoners players. They are ruthless studs. If you mess with them you will be regretting it, oh let me tell you. You cross them and slander their families, and they will hack your computer and get 17-year-olds with Guy Fawkes masks to stand outside your house and yell at you. They will legally kill you with Navy SEAL assassinators, and use advanced FLIR targetting radar guided drones to break Grey Goose bottles over your head. They are world record winning badass dudes and they don’t take no grub from anybody no matter the cost, belie dat.
 
And let me tell you, if these boys ever come to India, my ghetto hood, you best believe they are going to be treated like Superheroes man. They will be rolling around with me in a white Toyota Land Cruiser getting pussy and not taking any grub from anybody like Superstar Rajini Kanth. We will be rolling in so much pussy we will make American Tom Cruze and Poof Daddy look gay, my negroid.
 
Remember bro, Arjun is never a terrorist and will never commit a terrorist act. I am just an american dude with a Newt Gingrich starter jacket and an RFID chip in my hand. My favorite football player is Booz Hamilton Allen, tight end for the El Paso Celebrity Gossip... I wanna drive big honkin V8 Fords and give my wife black eyes. You know in India we like to watch TV and get addicted to prescription pills, just like America dude, dawg, doggie, my dudeswag . Yo I am cool man, you know? We love to listen to the same 40 songs over and over, whoever pays to get the top radio station, and watch what I’m told to watch and buy Pepsi and Sprite... I love to drink soda, I drink it like water, because I hate my body, I’m american, give me pancreatic cancer like Steve Jobs, kill people with fighter jets because I like microwave dinners...
 
OK brudda, I have to go neglect my kids and pimp my myspace. Peace one love you know like Bob Marley? I don’t listen to his music but I have a cool t-shirt of him. Peace.
 
Oh and one more thing. MDE does not get fat checks from adult swim or youtube advertising. They’re only revenue stream is you, so if you like this album and want to hear more, cowboy up and drop mad dime. Otherwise feel free to give your money to hulu so you can watch Andy Samberg 24 hours a day. TWAT!


Part 2
 
So that about wraps it up...
 
Hopefully, once you pick the fragments of your brain up off the floor, you’ll have a new and improved roadmap for spiritual success. The Bhagavad Gita is only the .96 beta release. TWAT is the 64-bit version, 9 point OH, optimized for all systems, HTML5 Object Oriented programming... spyware, malware, and DRM-free, belie dat. DMT sold separately- talk to my main homedawg Jethro in Ft. Worth, only a couple of clams a hit. Primo. Download it and if you had a good time send the programmers a buck or two on www dot M.D.E dot tv, keep them rolling in White Land Cruisers with Indian flags, otherwise, stick your fingers up your ass.
 
Now let’s get cut to the chase homie negro baller dope pushers. It’s all fine and good to laugh it up for a while, but we’re living through some turbulent times here. Deep in a global recession, the opening stages of the copyright wars, the rise of the surveillance state, i mean we’re starting off at the thick and chewy end of a long hard shitty battle. Someone overcooked the fillet mignon and now we gotta eat it. A quarter pound of the worst beef jerky for breakfast lunch and dinner, 365 days a year, for, i dunno? the rest of your life sound good?
 
Unless we tighten up. Tighten the belts, tighten the TWAT, tighten the mind... Absorb the life lessons hidden within the pages of this tome. You’re Tom Hanks, I’m the Da Vinci Code. In between the bouts of verbal diarrhea and thermonuclear potty-talk, you’ll find the secret code that will give you infinite ammo and walk through walls, which is a metaphor for being able to find tranquility and possibly fulfillment given your bleak circumstances.
 
So, are ya beginning to feel me homiebro? Remember, for the comedy blog review synopsis, this album truly is a timeless artifact of the early 21st century malaise, a crystal of pure gleaming wisdom and life lessons, and not at all the near-retard level ramblings and fantasies of three chronic masturbators.
 
Oh, and for those of you still left wondering, wanting, and waiting, there’s always plan “S”... Plan S is available to anyone, anywhere, no matter your race, religion, creed as in your belief system or creed the rock band, plan S white plan S black, it’s all the same plan. can you guess what the “S” stands for? It stands for suicide... but it also stands for Soul, it stands for your soul, it stands for my soul, it stands for the souls of latino cream king hyperfucker sissyboi prostate gods around the world, and the soul of MDE... because these white shitstains got rhythm. They are your entertainment rent boys, now honour them, commercially, as they honour you.
 
And remember, in the event of the impending sentient radroach revolution -coming to the streets near you, 2013...  MDE, Never. Fucking. Dies.










Anime TED talk outline

Master Kenchiro Ichiimada is a world-renowned martial artist, philosopher, and scholar of Japanese history. Travel with Ichii a millennium back in time to medieval Nippon, as he sifts through the forgotten puzzle pieces to unearth a fascinating mystery which will resonate with anyone living in this strange 21st century. What do bullet trains, hand-crafted swords, modern day cartoons, and the designer drug XTC, have to do with one another? Join Ichii and his fully animated CG pals to find out!
 
start with martial arts demo from Matrix, beckon with hand gesture like morpheus
 
Moshi moshi.
 
dsahdiusahdui translation welcome to my presentation about Nipponese culture.
 
Hello i am master kenshiro ichimada.
 
philosopher and student of the great cultures of the world notably japan
(Opening music? Weezer..?).
 
neuroatypical non-cisgendered and i have slight speech impppppppppediment.
 
ted talk for anime.
 
ahh yes feel free to videotape this as long as it’s not being used for commercial purposes and i am going to want everybody who video tapes this after to come up to me and exchange contact info cant wait to see what great remix videos you made with this.
 
Q&A at the end so pelase hold all questions.
 
So a few years ago i was faced with the following question: what do you do when your life is just a bunch of bullshit? Your only friends are ones you’ve never met in real life or imaginary, your drawings on deviant art get more negative criticism than positive, your mom threatens to kick you out of the house unless you get a job, and forget your dream of having a japanese trans girlfriend, you’ve never had a girlfriend period.
 
I knew I had to find something, to do something great. i see a flyer for community college anime club. Two years later, I have an associates degree in medieval japanese folklore and my youtube yugioh unboxing videos with hundred thousand views, well on my way to making a living from doing youtube videos alone, and as for a girlfriend? well let’s just say she’s not japanese, but that’s fine with me, YATA!
 
 
 
japan, cradle of civilization, invented martial arts, drift race cars, this shirt is a tightly woven kimono shirt.
 
clothes important, great master wouldn’t go out to battle without his kimono, and this is the japanese way, hollistic approach, tea ceremonies and ink pouring on paper, everything is an art form and battle is no exception. the japanese will always revere a noble warrior samurai who dies with honor; the closest accepted translation is “die properly”. to die with honor on the battlefield is a masterpiece in the same way that David or the sistine chapel, or perhaps even better, haha maybe you can tell im not big on western culture. and this my friends is whats known as a zen philosophy.
 
and this is why their warriors are so feared, and htis one samurai, it’s said that george lucas based the jedi knights off of this one guy...  he was able to single-handedly take on invading british armies all armd with guns by harnessing chi power and praying to ancestors.
 
im going to show you how samurai swrods, honor, martial arts, tea, and cartoons are all interconnected, so im going to basically show you a bunch of diferent things then kind of amaze you by tying them all together.
 
you about to go on a bizarre adventure.
i sailed across moons.
ill show you the ghost in the shell.
 
how twitter brought about a steampunk revolution.
How cosplay has changed in the New Social 2.0 age.
 
moderator on steampunkBeat and lolitaHentaiForum.
 
and so what we see is around the 15th century a shift. A paradigm shift in the manufacture of japanese Katana. like the butterfly on one side of the world that causes a tsunami on the other, this shift has drastic repercussions for japan and indeed medieval europe and modern america. What we see is great samurai masters like tenchi yamada and itsuhiro kobiyashi switching over, en masse, from curved katana blades, to straight blades. curved to straight. Now the medieval japan scholar Andrew Lampkin from brown university posits that this is merely due to the shift in the availability of one type of steel to another, and this is true. this is true. but this only paints part of the picture. Japanese samurai are very conservative, very traditional, and the rise in cost of their beloved curved katana-doshi shinjin would not necessarily make them change, and this is something that i’ve been saying for years. So we looked at the data. We combed through historical records and piles and piles of data with my research team, and what we found was shocking. What we found was this. A painting by the Dokyo-E ink blot master, Takumi Ryu.
 
In 1985, mitsufune Koto changed the world, changed the way we perceive things, changed entertainment, in a fundamental paradigm shift. Nintendo hits american shores and things are never the same. Commander keen, pacman, doom, mario, castlevania, and, my personal favorite, Legende of Zelda, triforce for the win. Captured the hearts and minds of a nation and the youth, forever change.
 
japanese women are prized around the world, more beautiful, more sexual. Their culture is a culture of art and beauty not loud music and whores so japanese women are typically more quiet and approach lovemaking as if it were an art form. Ive dated from both camps and suffice it to say i will not be returning to western women, sorry ladies. Idunno, maybe its a cultural thing...... maybe its that japanese women look like preteens asian girls have shallow pussies, not really tight just cervix is closer to be more compatible with asian men’s tiny pricks, and to me that’s gross.
 
slits for eyes, reason theyre soulless, is it because i cant penetrate their eyes that they look soulless, or are they realy? and the conclusion that i came to is that yes, asians have no souls they are a hive mind, closer to insects or robos thus the manga obsession... probably this is how they invented things like niuntendo or casio watch.
 
honda cars are small and annoying wheras mustanges are big and loud like americans are loud i guess? idk.
 
language is like computer, gobbledly gook chink computer.
 
bung wa h king thai... what the fuck are you saying dude?
 
people kinda have this impression of japanese and chinese people being good at martial arts, i guess because of movies, same reason we think italians and not jews were the most vicious mobsters during the 20s and 30s, we think that chinamen and japs are like these ultimate badass ninja assassins but like look at an asian guys wrist then look at john goodman’s neck.
 
john goodman could beat 3 bruce lees... i remember this kid alex change was a tae kwon do black belt... i chased him around one day throwing origami paper ninja stars at him and one of them hit him in the eye... so he turns around and starts doing all this flipping stuff, like jumping like this.
 
if you look up J14 or Junior Idol you’re probably gonna find some japanese child porn... non-nude and technically legal, child porn is very popular in japan because most japanese men are sick pedophiles. They put eels on girls heads and bowling pins in the girls assholes. On the subway, you’ll find lots of businessmen and salary men reading comic books where little girls are raped by tentacles. this is normal in japan i guess because edverything over there is like a big fucking joke. No big deal, just reading my smut book about toddlers taking it up the ass, how are ya bob? catch the tokyo giants baseball game last night? no? me neither, yea i was too busy looking at drawings of kids having their guts opened up and getting fucked with frozen pieces of shit, yea, freeze the shit so it’s hard, then stick it up a 3 year olds ass, i think thats SUPER KAWAII.
 
japanese people are clever foes. Every see the movie Alien? they do things like fly planes into civilian targets, back when they had an army and world domination aspirations. You have to be very careful when dealing with a Japanese enemy... because even though Japanese men are far weaker than American men and have less manhood and courage, they quite often will do twisted backwards stuff to take you by surprise. I would compare them to zerglings from the AMERICAN game Starcraft. This is why American fighting uses bare-knuckle gentleman style boxing whereas Japanese fighting involves groin strikes and eye gouges and other below the belt stuff.
 
Ever hear of Unit 731? during world war II the japs kidnapped a bunch of chinks and did experiments on them that were so savage and pointless that even Hitler was grossed out. “Oohhh try to replace his brod with sarine sarution to see if it does anything. Cut his arm off and attach it to de otha side-oh” vivisection and all kinds of sick crazy shit, like not even human, That’s why I say, NUKE EM ALL.
 
thank you very much folks, oplease remember to check out my japanese culture website, you can just search youtube for japscat and my videos will probably come up.
 
and i’d like to leave everybody with a question to provoke insight and spur discussion and help us all come closer to japan, and that question is this, that question is actually twofold--1 is do you think Obama is a Manchurian candidate? and 2 is do you think the colorado batman movie theater shooter is an unintended or maybe intended consequence of a CIA MKULTRA-type project, or is he just some “loonatic” who went “crazy” and “lost it” because that’s how the human mind works, one day you’re a brilliant science student the next you’re “a crazy guy” who “went nuts.”
 
doo doo dong bong, dozo, i mean just shut the fuck up.











2070 paradigm shift

So we looked at the data, and what we found surprised us...

"saving the world"

Now i know what you're thinking. It's not really that complicated. And it will only cost you [any amount of money] a year. That's less than the price of a daily soda.

Before we start, let me just tell you about my background.

It's some really exciting, revolutionary stuff. It's really gonna change the game.

This isn't a hoax, like all that hullaballoo about global warming. This is real and it's super important.

I think [whatever] and [whatever] aren't seperate at all. They both go together.

But the amazing thing is
ordinary netizens like you and me
and is available to everyone in the us for less than the price of a cup of coffee a day

Teachable moment.

*smash hands together dramatically or do some flagrant gesture*

Pat yourselves on the back for saving the world. Look at us. It’s the machine that keep this world turning.

I would like to start off this talk with a personal story that is very important to me. It’s a story about higher education - a parable, if you will - it was the same story told to me during my commencement speech, and one I will never forget.

The story goes like this: one day, in a normal college, *Chuckle* after all the freshmen lazily wandered in late, the professor began his lecture by speaking. But he wasn’t just speaking; he was speaking about a topic. A topic where he was very adamant about his beliefs; beliefs he seeked to impose upon others with ruthless carte blanche. He preached to the class, insulting their intelligence. Students squirmed in their chairs. But then, when all seemed lost, out of nowhere, a student rose up out of his seat and challenged the professor. He explained his reasoning and why the professor was wrong. The professor was taken aback, aghast at the idea of his very pupil rising against him. He tried to defend, but the student had logic on his side. In the end, the whole class applauded a wrong that had been made right. That student... was Albert Einstein. That same sense of childlike play and innosense, questioning, Passion, is what I feel in this room right now.
 
TEDx Drexel, University. Next X.
 
 
So, you must be asking right now: who am I? Who’s this 22 year old kid up here with a chip on his shoulder, a heart of gold and the world in his eyes? Well, that’s a tough question. How do you sum up a human being, after all? why not bitchboy… I think a better question to be asking is: what inspires that person? What inspires you? What inspires you? What inspires you? What inspires me is awesome. My number one inspiration would have to be my passion. My passion is teaching African refugees how to program javascript. OK? My passion is figuring out how to get clean drinking water to 2 billion orientals. My passion is creating new ways and coming up with new ways to use maglev trains to get resources to the moon. What’s your passion? What’s your passion?
 
The second thing that inspires me is ideas. (Jobs)
 
Ideas... are amazing. And not just great inventions - just little things. This microphone, is a beautiful idea, allowing my voice to be conveyed out to the great unwashed. TED talks, are a great idea.
 
And finally, the third thing that inspires me is solutions to problems. That’s what we do. Sometimes people have problems - well, they call us, because they know we solve those problems. We don’t just create ideas - we create solutions.
 
I’m Sam Hyde. I’m an important thinker.  I’m a creator, innovator, artist, idea. But above all else I’m a passionate childlike playful innovator. I’ve been all around the grillobe, globe… grillobe… … … ...working on cutting-edge projects of all kinds… and I’m here to ask you one question. and you can check out my website wehere i sell book
 
Where we at?
 
We’ve got 7 billion people on the earth and according to the UN we’re going to see those figures rise to 50 billion, that’s a lotta mouths to feed and most of these people will be incapable of feeding themselves or doing anything like that so we’ve got to think of some robots and imagine the future to help out.
 
The West’s sick addiction to fossil fuel is going to make this planet inhabitable for the next generation, if you’ve ever seen the movie And Inconvenient Truth you’ll know what I’m talking about haha, essentially what’s going on is we’re too selfish and idling our cars too much and that’s getting nature out of the picture.
 
we looked at the data, Culture is going down the tubes. We’ve got lewd media and nasty bedroom things on TV, things are all sort of being risque and not quite right. and we’re really sexuallizing these young girls to the point where even i have an issue with it, and i never imagined that’d be the case but it is
 
We are all world citizens all living together in one ecosystem, one social contract, and we have got to learn how to share. studies show We work hard, but we looked at the data and we’ve got to learn how to play, because ideas and that childlike sense of playing is what’s going to save us. Work smarter, not harder.
 
But... hunger, poverty, global climate change, radical islam, gay marriage, unless we start confronting the BIG issues, our future… looks like no future at all.
 
[slide of Obama, no speech]
 
So where are we. We’re in a roomful of innovators, creators, humanitarians, artists, renaissance men, AND women, business leaders, philanthropists, ideas. We’re at a pitoval point, in human history. We’re at the cusp of a paradigm shift. Where will that paradigm land… Will it be a cooperative utopia where everyone works together, like Star Trek? Or will it be a selfish greedy wasteland like the Fallout games? I don’t want to get too political but those options are basically Democrat and Republican, respectively.
 
Would someone get me a coffee or should I just stand up here and drink my own piss.
 
I was in Rwanda… I was with a little startup you might’ve heard of, Tesla, it was myself, Elon Musk, a team of innovators, creators, ideas, we were giving iPads to this village of Africans. It was so crazy, they didn’t even know how to use them, and yet they’re so intuitive. And (african confused by ipad)
 
The problem, is US. The people in this room right now, the solution is us, the problem is greedy corporations, the people driving the future of tomorrow. We do things that MATTER (lock fingers). We read the New York Times, we aren’t content to sip mediocre coffee, we use words like axiom, juxtapose… we prefer a bicycle or a nice hybrid to some old gas guzzler… Loud big truck, we don’t want that, we want refined, subtle, elegance, dwell magazine, clever solutions, not fast loud obnoxious macho, classy sleek minimalist considered intelligent, because the last thing we want is a dick measuring contest.. We are the ivory tower intellectuals who know best how to fix the world, we know better than the dummies (fast food worker), and the ding-dongs (blue collar guy), by the way I’m not racist, this black man (black blue collar) is just oppressed by society and if he had the same opportunities as a rich white he could’ve been something noble like a professor or a researcher, but yes this (white blue collar) is a dumb dumb, shlub shlamiel, he’s not an innovator he can’t use tablet PCs to shape the future, you ask this guy about using eco friendly green sustainable to get to mars he’d probably blow a fart in your face, he also votes republican i guarantee it.. anyway WE, right here right now, we have the big brains and we have the good intentions and we know what’s coming up next. We are the Karl Marxes and Steve Jobs rest in peace of tomorrow. So we tell them what to do and what’s best. Maglev teleport tubs, fuckin’ machines that turn gasoline into water to save the planet, these are the types of things us “smarties” can make.
 
"by my calculations, we have five years before the world ends, unless we can start to reverse things like pollution and war, we need hope and change"
 
Close your eyes. Everybody in here we’re gonna change some minds. Right now right fucking now (starting shadowboxing) Close your eyes. This is the most pitoval poment pivotal moment of your life. This moment right now, breathe it in deep baby, eckhart tolle style. Neurons are firing in your brain, you’re more alert, you’re astrally projecting, youre drinking bulletproof coffee and you dont even realize it you’re getting all fucked jagged up in the head by my presentation, you will this remember forever, motherfuckers.
 
2070 Future Now, What
 
2070 predictions.. the next 50 to a hundred years, lotta stuffs gonna happen
 
sea floor farming, a whole new realm of agri on the sea floor, untapped land resources 75% use it bitch, beets yams, sea potatoes… You like cheesy potato skins from TGIF? Try cheesy sea potatoes with sea cheese gonna knock yr taste buds right outta yer mouth.
 
trash economy, the abundance of trash what are we gonna do with it? put it on an island. No more need to cut down trees printing up dollars, trash econ replaces econ with money, we’ll all be rich it’s a gold rush, walk with me
 
Most of the major cities will be replaced with vast pleasure domes exclusively for the "excelcyites" who are the neo-upperclass, while the displaced hordes of lower class "depth-grovellors" will live underground in tiered cities, endlessly toiling away in subterranean sugar caves for nuggets of sweet neoplasmin.'
 
video games are gonna get more realistic
 
super fuel efficient vehicles getting 80-100 miles per gallon.. Kinda makes yr prius look a little dated, huh? Sorry charlie
 
pause
 
race riots
 
extreme racial tension and unrest. It’s called the knock out game and eventually white people are gonna get tired of playing it. I don’t want to go back to the old days anymore than anyone else but unless Toure reels his boys in it’s gonna be a big ol mess.
 
a new hybrid form of wigger hipster known as a wipster, theyre savvy they use the internet they have decent taste in music but theyre obsessed with hip hop.. gucci mane specifically.
 
- By 2070, due to the massive increase in the population, there is no longer enough milk formula to supply all the new births. To accommodate this the NEGGL have genetically modified the human species such that men and women now go through regular lactation periods, once a month. During these lactation periods, men and woman go to special Milk Processing Plants where they are hooked up to machines that harvest all their sweet, sweet, nourishing lactate. Naturally this process is extremely painful. Some humans are found with a genetic mutation that increases the lactate levels threefold, and are rounded up by FEMA and farmed for their milk fulltime.
 
whats the one problem thats plaguing america right now thats not gonna be around in 2070? we’re not gonna have to deal with the mentally disabled or the elderly cus we’re just gonna killem matrix come here
 
"So we looked at the data, and what we found surprised us..."
lots of mouth noises
"saving the world"
finger temple
"Now i know what you're thinking."
"It's not really that complicated."
"And it will only cost you [any amount of money] a year. That's less than the price of a daily soda."
"Before we start, let me just tell you about my background."
"It's some really exciting, revolutionary stuff. It's really gonna change the game."
"This isn't a hoax, like all that hullaballoo about global warming. This is real and it's super important."
"I think [whatever] and [whatever] aren't seperate at all. They both go together."
"but the amazing thing is"
"ordinary netizens like you and me"
and is available to everyone in the us for less than the price of a cup of coffee a day"
"teachable moment"
*smash hands together dramatically or do some flagrant gesture*
vague terms and extended allegories, pitchfork.com shit, rambling metaphors and prose. pretend the audience knows exactly what your talking about though so if they werent paying attention youd seem like a very observant and intelligent person... use evasive language to dance around it, like "of course, there is a problem we all know about... but today I am ready to present the solution" "And it will only cost you [any amount of money] a year. That's less than the price of a daily soda."
 
2070 and beyond what is going to happen. robots policing the streets. New genetic modifications, designer eyebrows coming to a surgeon near you. Modify your body get breast implants, get huge big drugs, turn yourself into a freak its cyberpunk. Turn yourself into a bug, im looking at a roomful of future bugs. Change your gender instantly with this one easy trick discovered by a mom.
 
2070, gay marriage, by the year 2070 gay people will be getting married so, get used to it, BIGOTS
 
the rise of the apple mac computer. watch out! Theyre white, theyre sleek, theyre minimal, theyre futuristic, and ive got a hunch that steve jobs was on to something when he designed that imac, and i think youre gonna be seeing a whole lot more of these apple products.
 
Sodasteam will do for soda what 3d printing did for assault rifles
 
What we found was shocking. For the field, it was a gamechanger. Our understanding has changed greatly since the beginning of the discovery of anything concerning it. And people wouldn’t believe it. They couldn’t accept what they were being shown. After all, this is stuff we do every day, but now we’ve been forced to look at it in a totally different light.
 
But that wasn’t all, because this rabbit hole gets deeper
 
Now, you might be looking at me right now and going: you know what, this looks like some pretty deep stuff. And you’re right. Because in choosing this solution and thinking outside the box, we were able to do something that nobody has done before. We were able to break the glass ceiling.  Right now we’re ready to roll out these changes across the board - we just need the go-ahead. And you know what it took? All it took was understanding this world a little better, and just stepping back a bit to smell the roses. Like a child, playful, ideas. What it took was us to utilize solutions, not just ideas, to solve problems.  After I released my research, top researchers at NASA, MIT, Saks fifth avenue, and stormfront.org had an emergency meeting and said the laws of physics are fundamentally wrong. By implementing this we’d saved $5 per income, per DVD. That’s a huge saving. I can’t even tell you what a huge saving that is.
 
By 2070, also due to the low oxygen levels the NEGGL will also impose an 'air tax' on its people. At birth, doctors place a chip inside your lungs that monitors the amount of air your body processes and you will be charged a certain amount Astro-blics (the global currency) to your file on the Universal Data Base. If you are unable to pay the air tax your Universal Data Base account will be terminated and you'll be sent to an subterranean labor camp.
 
By 2070, prior to the construction of the planet wide Bio-Dome, all the bees had left the planet to colonize the moon. Over time the bees had developed a sentient nature, such that they were no longer satisfied with being farmed for their honey. some say they're mustering their strength to launch an all out war on Neo-Earth today.


robot honeybees to counteract colony collapse disorder
State-enforced homosexuality
facebook as a birth certificate
mac ipads built into the desk of every school for every kid


In 2070, 3d printers are kids toys, get the newest 3d printer for your 5 year old daughter so she can print some 3d Muslim Barbie dolls to play with.

In 2070, gay men have actually developed re-productive organs inside of their anuses and a new generation of children are born from the anuses of gay men. Incubation period much shorter than that of heterosexual pro-creation. Massive amounts of gay babies are being born from the anuses of gay men everywhere. Very concerning for women who no longer are necessary. Whoops.

In 2070, due to massive amounts of nuclear fallout from Fukushima which spread Across the pacific to The United StAtes, Californians are now almost indistinguishable from the Japanese in appearance
In 2070, blood is a minor but growing export from Most African countries, as many in the world are desperate to contract the AIDS virus to satisfy their twisted sexual fetish.

In 2070, dogs and cats are no longer the primary pets of the American household. The average American home spends anywhere from $2,000-$10,000 a year feeding and caring for their pet camels and cleaning up after their mess. Wonder why all the camels hmmmm

In 2070, music is made by ALL people. Not just the nerds in their basement or the hot girls, ALL people. Everyone has their own artist name and you can hear each persons "sound". If you're music sounds similar to another's, guess what YOU TWO might be compatible hehe
As an extension of this, there are elderly dance clubs for those of our current generation where people in their 70s and 80s put on live dJ shows, house music and it's fucking gross and they make out and there a a VICE doc about it and movies and stuff of course
 
Good luck searching "Al Qaeda" in 2070, you'd have Better luck walking next door and asking them questions in person.
 
In 2070, niggas are still screaming WORLDSTAR and curb stomping the elderly. Nothing really changed with those folks.


In 2070, Israel is straight up ripped off the map bye bye
 
Tel Aviv more like Tel Crater… they’re so worried about another holocaust, they should be worried about another exodus… in 2070 they’ll be fuckin back in egypt workin the slave shift  (picture of Malcolm Gladwell)
 
Israel, someone nuke these mothafuckas right off the fuckin map!!
 
Anybody else have any predictions? You miss what do you think is gonna happen in the next sixty years? Think we’ll have cars that float on air?
 
You guy what do you think? this guy has no idea
 
do something about it


Those are the top three things that inspire me. This is taken straight from the Interests field of my facebook profile: the top three things I enjoy are listed as passion, ideas, and solutions. And I might be alone in that, but that’s okay for me, because - at the end of the day - it’s not about the individual. It’s about the beliefs. The things that inspire you. So that’s how I describe myself. Does that make me a hero? I don’t know. After all, what is a hero? Is a hero someone who stands up for his beliefs? Maybe so. Maybe no. I don’t care about whether or not I’m a hero. So I’ll leave that up to you, because I deal in statistics, not opinions. So how many of you think you’re listening to a hero? Raise your hands. Come on, raise more. Come on people.

So now you know a little bit more about me. But there’s one thing missing: and that, is, why am I up here talking? Good question. Well, the answer may shock you. During the flight here I thought about that myself. After all, just 24 hours ago I sat drinking cheap Lambrusco wine in the giancolo hills overlooking rome without a care in the world. So what made me think to come to an underachieving community college in Maine and discuss my ideas?


After all, I am standing here today as not only an important thinker, but a professional in this field. Coming from a prestigious university,  I’ve been working in this field of study for years now. I don’t have time to just trek across the world like some sort of romantic trailblazing wanderer with nary a care in this world except for his Harley-Davidson. That’s not who I am; I’m a professional.

Well, here’s your answer: I think that kids are the future. I really do. I love kids. My youngest son, Keegan, means the world to me. And so, I thought: if you’re trying to change the world; if you’re trying to think forward, and really break the gun, why don’t you start with the kids?

And that, my friends, is why I’m here. It’s been a very long road, but right now I am excited to present that me and my colleagues are finally ready to present the decisive facts that will up your game, once and final.

Applause, please.

*SLIDE - take for granted*

There are many things we take for granted in life. Many facts that we assume are just true. Whether it’s your car, your TV, or the food ready for you at your dinner table, we all have something that we take for granted. Some of those things are ideas. Some are solutions to problems. Some are passions. And even though there are some people who will never have these things that we so cherish, we still take it them for granted. We just assume it’s always going to be that way - we just assume that this is a given. Heh. We all know how that feels, right?

But I’m here to tell you that many of them might not be so true. Right now, I have some compelling facts that may actually make you change your mind and think twice about things. Some of the stuff you learn here today may make you think about things in ways you never would have before. Now I know this sounds crazy - but hear me out for a second. Me and my team at the university, over the course of several months of study and fact-checking - were able to come up with a definitive answer to this problem. The answer? Well, it may shock you.


- By 2070, the oceans and water ways will be too far polluted to sustain healthy fish, fish prices will increase exponentially as result. To combat the soaring fish prices governments will allocate large fish tanks to each household and give families breeding pairs of certain fish so they may keep fish populations high and fish markets afloat. These families will be forced to breed a prescribed quota of fish that they will sell for a share of the price (6-9%). However if they don't fill this quota the government will heavily tax them or place them in reconditioning camps.

- By 2070, due to overpopulation names will become far to common and alike. To make identification easier, the Neo-Earth Global Governing League (NEGGL) will make it a law to have at least 3 numbers in any one name.

- By 2070, due to the faltering ozone layer global warming will be at it's peak. To reduce the effects of global warming the NEGGL will construct a massive bio-dome encompassing the entire planet. This technological wonder will give the NEGGL unprecedented power over it's denizens and the ability to control daylight hours (i.e by activating shutters on the dome that close and block out the sun). The NEGGL will have the ability to open up the bio-dome at any time, so if a particular District-Nation rebels against it's Sector Governing Union, they have the power to open up the bio-dome over that particular place, exposing them to the sun etc.

- By 2070, due to the destruction of forests to make way for expansive hive-cities, oxygen levels are at an all time low. To accommodate this leading NEGGL scientists design a "breathing mask" made out of a combination of plastics and a genetically restructured moss that produces oxygen at an extremely high level. The NEGGL have also bugged these masks with a special chip that when activated will agitate the moss, such that instead of producing oxygen, it will produce highly toxic and radioactive xenon gas.


- By 2070, at birth, your brain will be bugged with a Data Processing Unit, this chip will recorded all of your life experiences/knowledge etc and upload it to the Universal Data Base. If you are found to have insufficient knowledge by the age of 18, NEGGL workers will round you up and either a) send you to a subterranean labor camp where you will toil away for the rest of your life b) Terminate your existence or c) Sterilize you. This is a method of separating the smart people from the dumb people.


that final breakthrough, and we saw the connection.
 
FBI hate crime statistics vs rape statistics
 
There was a pattern here. When we took the first data, and plotted it against the second -
 
*SLIDE - line graph with new line on it*
 
Applause, please.


*SLIDE - line graph with new line on it, third line is labeled “Passion, Ideas”*
 
*clear throat*
 
Albert Einstein once said, "he who first votes for the noose is the first to deserve the lonesome road," but to an uninitiated shaveling, such advice falls upon deaf ears. When you take this and plot it against innovation and gamechangers, a pattern truly emerges from the primordial soup:
 
*SLIDE - line graph morphs into the tobleronetriangular triangle*
 
I rest my case.
 

*SLIDE - TRAINGLE with Ideas, Passion, and Solutions*
 
After that day, I thought differently about passion. I thought differently about ideas. Because I didn’t just create an idea - I created a solution to a problem. And at the end of the day, that’s what it’s all about. Alberto Einstein once said that the river that runs the fastest lasts half as long. But I think the waves of the sea are what he was really talking about. Thank you.
 

I am an important thinker, and a professional in this field. Coming from a prestigious university,  I’ve been working in this field of study for years now.
 
Most important person in the world is YOU









2000s to now

In the early 2000's it was easy to ignore looming demographic problems and the leftist nuclear fallout predicted by crazy conspiracy Ron Paul (totally didn't come true!) We had Playstation 2, Chappelle's Show, Prime Eminem--Initial D was getting American distribution--it was a bright time.

Jon Stewart is a very high-IQ guy and he came at viewers with a new angle. His snark and quippy antics gave his audience a sense of intellectual superiority to lord over lower-caste whites (stupid Southerners) without actually having to read any books or go to political rallies themselves. Just sit back, put it all on autopilot, and laugh at the dumb Americans in motorized wheelchairs being greedy oil barons at Walmart eating McDonalds, derp! Giggity giggity. Regardless of how correct or incorrect he was, Stewart knew how to make jokes and put on an entertaining half hour of brainwashing, and the vibes were light and fun because the end-game crunch of rainbow socialism was just a whisper on Alex Jones' lips.

Now it's at Europe's doorstep and we get to watch it unfold live. Hundreds of thousands of fighting-age males with anti-Western sentiments have invaded The Fatherland and are re-enacting scenes from Bumfights and World War Z. It's less comfortable now to have a relaxed John Oliver white gloves thick-rimmed glasses type outlook because The Stakes Are White. Only the most permacucked soma-smokers and hardcore egalitarians can look at this shit and go, "this is all our fault, stupid whities, look what we dun did, we're so stupid and white, fuckin' Republicans!"

This fashionable self-abasement and racial righteousness are like a warm bath you never want to get out of. Inside, you're free to slosh the piss-water around sanctimoniously, there's no risk of drowning, and the bathroom door is locked. But only the most entrenched equalists can maintain that level of relaxation in the face of recent European rape statistics and video footage of riots. The new ice bucket challenge is how much destruction can you tolerate while still shucking and jiving with a big fucking smirk on your face. Comedians, entertainers, actors--they all live sheltered lives in posh LA neighborhoods--these bohemian $8 coffee fantasy zones where if the heat doesn't cook your brains the hot cokehead girls will. It's not surprising that these pussies have worldviews that are naive and subtly destructive but I still hate them for it. They won’t wake up until there’s Sharia law in Beverly Hills and Echo Park.

Because the stakes are so high, and because the Wizard of Oz curtain is so threadbare, people like Amy Schumer (D-NY) have no choice but to go all-in with fully militarized entertainment. Rollerblading around on stage with Ellen and cracking jokes with the psychopathic narcissist Hillary Clinton. The fervent goody goody green enviro multiculti signalling will reach its crescendo soon because it has to. The emperor has no clothes--the only way to keep the lie going is by clamping down and holding on for dear life. That’s what I think when I see Amy Schumer’s (D-NY) big stinking ass in tight shorts, laughing it up, debasing femininity, rollerblading around Hillary Clinton cracking jokes. Make a joke about Benghazi while you’re up there.

There's nothing left that's just 'funny'--everything has to be politically charged, one way or another, even bland mindless FunnyOrDie garbage is political by virtue of how adamantly they refuse to deal with all the hysteria we're surrounded by. Turning a blind eye, carrying on as usual--that's a political statement all by itself. When my mom asks me why I have to be so nasty in my videos, this is what I try to explain to her… If the world is on fire and you’re doing Clean Comedy or straight absurdism without any teeth, you’re picking sides just the same as if you’re doing a comedy interview with Obama and trying to make him look funny and chill for millennials.

Why’d I write all this? Maybe I'm watching too much Alex Jones, maybe I'm being tribal and waycis like Na_i KKK members and I need to head back to diversity training, but I saw a video clip today and it triggered me bad. The way I see it as an aspiring semi-pro comedian, is, you can take a stand for Western Civ, you can cheerlead for its destruction like fat sexpig Schumer (D-NY), or you can plug your fingers in your ears and channel your inner toddler, like this guy. This is the worst shit I’ve seen in a minute, I hope this guy dies in a fucking car accident.











How I survived high school

A lot of you ask me, you look as like a role model, you say to yourselves, "How does mort get the hot girls and the cars and he's got a position in life that I'm envious of? What was this guy's deal in high school?" You're looking at me saying to yourselves, "This guy's a nerd. How can he possible be as cool as he is, he's obviously a nerd." The story that I relate to people is the story of how I survived high school, my formative years.

You know that old classic nightmare, the one everyone's had at least once? You know the drill by now; You wake up, and WOW, you're in class but somethings wrong. Holy cow! It's your pants! You're not wearing any! You're only in your underbriefs. Either that, or your most embarassing pair of spandex pants. Maybe even all the pretty girls you like are there with front row seats, laughing up a gigglestorm at your shorts. Everyone hates you. Why you? Why me? Why are they doing this? Why oh why did my mom forget to lay out my trousers this morning. Stupid mom. And then it stops. Then you wake up. Everything is a-okay, good, all clear, right on. You're in your nice warm bed, and your clothes, and yes, even your trousers are arranged nicely and warmed up by your dear loving mother. You smell a delicious breakfast banquet wafting into your room from the kitchen. You'll leave the house fully dressed no doubt, and make it through the day with all of your classmate friends, buds, and pals too. After class maybe you'll walk home with some friends of yours by the side of the river, and they'll all compliment your style of trousers and undergarments, and cool japanese gadget attachments all over your overcoat. As the sun starts to set and you all part ways, heading home and waving goodbye and looking forward to another formative day in high school, as you walk home there's no longer a trace of that bad dream you had earlier.

Well for me this is no silly dream. This was no "night terror" that I could simply have just "waited out" and woken up from into warm blanket and a morning greeting. This was no load of bologna community college-style self help "I'm going to wake up mid-dream and take hold of the situation" dream diary type thing. This was my real, everyday life. I was there in class being held upside down by my classmates, totally pantsed, lobster red, whipped into a real sweat from embarassment, as all my fellow classmates and my teacher pinched and prodded my feelings into a tizzy, and dunked my head in a bucket of the brown stuff, chocolate milk.

High school was more than a nightmare for me. I'm talking personally right now. It was something more like H-E-double hockey sticks. I was burned and seared by cool kids from the moment I stepped in the halls. Hot jocks sprayed extra-sour super blue razz Gogurt directly into my face as soon as that first bell tolled. Something was dreadfully wrong, but I was too busy getting stripped down to my skipperous pantaloons and dunked headfirst into every single toilet in a 5 mile radius to even stop and think. Welcome to my world, and boy is it a world of hurt.

Good old Hilltop High, where the ruling class jocks and "Sensi", which is short for sensually hot girls, lord over the social toilet. You got nerds, you got your no-life cybernauts, you got your ugly wimps, you got your crud-for-brains, you got supernerds, you got zyber-lamos, you got super-duper bad-at-sports weaklings, you got weak hearted-wimplings, you got bug collector kids, you got left-over paper bag sack lunch dweebs, you have stupid kids, you have oatmeal raisin losers, you got failed goths, you got super zany troll experts, facebook commentators ("Zuckernerds"), facebook likers, kids who talk about how they don't have TV at home, kids who talk about how they listen to NPR at home, raised by anime, Goku freaks, lunchroom wanderers, toilet swimmers, toilet divers, kids with rashes, tween bumblerboys, trash heap garbage kids, prom clowns, prom jesters, lunchroom floor dweebs, snot nosed idiots, scoundrel humble-beggars, pump-happy iron pounders, rump-slumping bumblebabies, badly-dressed geektards, gothic style proto Invader Zim trolls, classroom masturbators, classroom chameleons, California Raisins fans, raised-by-tumblr kids, pantsless fools, and the list goes on and on. And guess what? I literally fit into every category. 

You can imagine what was going on, they were bonking me in the head pretty much from bell to bell. I got the bell to bell treatment. In the eyes of the social upper class at Hilltop High, I am the most undesirable and lame person to ever step foot in these halls. Even all the teachers, instructors, advisers, lunch ladies, janitors, disciplinary counselors, and coaches can't hide their outright hatred of me. That's how bad it was. There are numerous examples of this, but just to set the stage here one time, I was in homeroom and the teacher Mr. Jacket was announcing our grades for our classes, and when it came to be my turn, Mr. Jacket had me stand in the front of the classroom and proceeded to tell me he was shocked I had actually passed a class! He was actually proud of me for once, and maybe things were finally turning around for ol mort, academically speaking that is. A spark of joy appeared on my face, and that was his signal. He punched me directly in the solar plexus and shrieked at the top of his lungs that I had failed, obviously, and took my grade sheet, crumpled it up, and made me eat it. This is a true story. Oh brother! With all the wind knocked out of me and a big paper ball in my mouth, all I could do was loudly and pathetically groan in front of my dearest classmates, who, by the way, were all busy uploading photos of my embarassing public failure to every social media site possible and laughing mercilessly. Traumatic, right?

I had no idea what I had done to make them all hate me so much, but they clearly did. I guess it's pretty clear from that story that I didn't have the best of grades either. I don't really want to talk about it, but I'd say it's a little bit more than that. I mean I didn't even know how to frickin read until I was 15! I was that stupid. The trauma associated with seeing words on pages or anything else created a mental block that made reading super hard. I only eventually learned the skill of reading from comparing the lyrics I had heard out loud in the songs to the words in the liner notes of all my Marilyn Manson albums, and from the word puzzles and fun games on the back of cereal boxes. And also my dad's yellow pages that he left all over the house. Gotta love dad and his yellow pages. Good thing ol dad collected those yellow pages. In school, though everyone noticed how weird and melodramatic and also incorrect my grammar was, I got pounded even more. I recall a particularly dark moment when I was in english 101 class, which I failed and had to redo, and the teacher Mrs. Tants said it was my turn to read aloud from the text book. It was really lame and boring basic english stuff that I didn't even understand anyway. You know, textbook stuff. So's I thought I might spice things up a little bit and that would be cool, and my classmates would think it was awesome and cool if I added my own "spin" to some of the writing. So I added words like "Gilgamesh" and "black steel rimmed helm" "Lucifer X" and "two-handed crimson broadsword". To my surprise, everyone burst out laughing at me! I got seriously pantsed that day by everyone in the classroom including the security guards. I have no idea what I did wrong. I thought, "maybe it was all their faults. They just didn't realize how cool the words were that I was using. Yeah that's it! Right over their heads!" But I was starting to realize that maybe I was missing something, other than my pants for once.

Speaking of my pants, I guess I should mention my looks and the way I dress. Well suffice it to say, I looked like a total freak! I looked like 80 different social outcasts, each with their own unique clown uniform vying for control over my daily clothes and style. Since I was so socially unconscious and unaware, I wore army green combat boots with huge extended tongue flaps and four inch modded maxed out metal spike attachments randomly affixed around them, combined with full heavy cloak style camouflage fatigues and a huge custom chrome armor gauntlet on one day, and a holographic gangster Tiny Toons t-shirt, blue tarp cut into a rudimentary form of pants on another day. My dad was an employee for the city as a garbage man, so whenever he got off work he let me dig through his haul for the day to see if there was anything that tickled my fancy or floated my boat, usually clothes, so I built an extensive collection that way. No matter how hard I tried, though my outfits never impressed the way I imagined as I put together my getups, try as you may that garbage smell is hard to get out of my custom Yama Yugi Yugioh printed crop-top drop-crotch bundled pantsuit. It just wasn't the same when it was covered in unwashable lasagna stains. My mother was a housewife with little to do except watch a whole shitload of TV, organize and arrange my dad's yellow pages archives, and clean the house, so she gave me lots of cool fashion tips and helped me mend together all of my dad's junk and also trash he got for me.

So my weekends in high school were typically broken down like this: Friday I come rushing home after school and my dad would take his industrial garbage washing hose and spray me down in the front yard to get all the Gogurt and mayonnaise and all the other heavy creams and sauces my classmates and teachers doused me with in school hours. Of course I would lie and tell dad that I was a messy eater, whoops, or that today was food fight day, dad, I didn't get bullied, it was just food fight day at school. And he would just shake his head and spray away. And then I would go inside and pretend to do my homework. The process of pretending to do my homework or late work or makeup work ended up taking much more time and effort than actually just doing it in the first place. I would go into my room and I would put up my Scooby Doo "Do not disturb" poster on my door so my mom wouldn't bother me, and I would put on study music, which was actually part of a playlist of low quality mp3 files downloaded off of Limewire from searching "classical music songs". I would do this to cover up the sound of what I was really doing, which was strictly regimented daily jelqing to increase the size of my member.

Jelqing is an ancient language word for "milk growth", and is a secret stretching strengthening tactic I discovered through Deep web bodygod tips and tricks and muscle schlock shock jock boards. It's a very painful and loud process, especially at the super small size that I was starting at. In order to begin the jelqing process, I had to lay face up on the floor and turn off all the lights. Then I would undress. Then comes the stretching. Just like stretching anything else, except on a near microscopic level. I remember in the early days of jelqing I would have to bite down on a big pink eraser so as to hold back the screams and manage the pain of it. I got used to it after a while though, and now I was an advanced jelq artist by my senior year. I always made sure to be extra careful however because I had read a thread on a website when I first started jelqing that the super jelqer named Hypnoman jelqed himself past the critical zone and edged off the brink and it caused severe lacerations and varying other degrees of damages. He posted later on about the jelqing arts and how it ruined his life and how he was now entirely without a P-zone, and had a totally non jelqable flatland at that point.

After the milking process was complete, I would come out of my room and tell my mom how I think I was getting better at homework and school and that all my teachers were saying they saw a major improvement in me. Big lie. Mom would congratulate me and give me a lot of sweet candy and treats, which was a problem because at this point I was starting to pack on the weight, and I ate the candy as intense afterheat subsided in the jelqing regions. We would then sit together, me and my mom, in front of the big screen TV and have TV time by watching the big screen TV with my mom. Sometimes during TV time my dad would come in and drop majorly large loads of garbage and trash for my mom and I to sort through while we watched TV on the big screen. Then we would all gather around the table in the kitchen for dinner and ate the usual round of clams with heavy sauce, my favorite meal: clams with heavy sauce. My mom would lead us in saying grace and when our heads were lowered I would always secretly ask God (G-O-D) if they would increase the size of my private zone with my jelqing regime to 18 inches and also if they could also make me an all powerful sexual master who had sex with any girl I wanted and increase the amount of party hats I had in my bank account on Runescape so I could be a legendary gamer fiend and beat up anyone I wanted.

Saturday was my only solace. Sunday I had to go see my private tutor, who I hated, so I basically counted Sunday as a school day too. I learned to make the most of every Saturday. I would set my alarm Friday night to 5 am, wake up, and secretly leave the house after a smaller jelqing/edging period. This was the only time of day of any day of the week that I felt vaguely good. In the early morning light and fog I felt hidden and safe. I felt like Count Vampire or a secret agent that no one could see, and I could safely do my work. You see, I only had one thing going for me, but it was my only hope. On my 16th birthday my dad got me a soiled and hardly operational leather exterior Geo Metro starter car, which he picked up from the junk yard. For the first couple of months, I drove it to school, but shortly after the school's street racing and drifting club figured out it was my car. They broke into it while I was in home room and dumped in it and removed all functional vital parts for it to work. That's how I had to push it all the way home as they drove around in circles and whipped me from out the windows. After that day I kept it in my dad's shed and on Saturday mornings a special time would come and I would work on it from scratch rebuilding it. Any and all parts I could salvage from the heaps of car parts my dad would bring home I would look up on a secret Korean language website deep web DIY custom street racing car forum that I ran through a translator and modded on my car and eventually formed a trash heap amalgamation that vaguely resembled a 14 year old deviantart upload manga style drawing of a human-car hybrid. It still didn't run of course but some day it will and it will seriously blow away all of my friends at school and also all the bullies or anyone who was mean to me and they will all like me and I will do a big burnout in the baseball field and zoom off and look real cool because the turf in the field will have erupted into flames and the coach who was always mean to me will get burned really badly. And I will hit a home run and my car will be super fast. Then the whole school will try to street race me with their lesser cars and I will cause them all to spin out from bewilderment and smoke screen confusion and all the roads will be mine.

"Racer Boy" is what they'll call me. They won't ever call me "Dog breath" or "Hotheaded weiner" ever again. "Racer Boy" will get all the girls and "Racer Boy" will show no mercy to those who treated him like a half-slug half-idiot in his past life. "Racer Boy". Spending weeknights speeding along the coast, wheel in hand, girl in arm, big cigar on my lip, pedal to the metal, doing an 80 foot launch plus 27 full rotation front flip off the cliffside. As I polished the front end of the car to shine up the bright orange skirtless Goku decal I was totally lost in my own world. This was when I was truly happy. Whims of fancy and fantasy tickled my imagination and wisps of hopefully joy abound as I was lost in Goku's eyes (that's what I named the car). I winked at the car and let out a lot of hot gas really loudly. That was usually it for my saturday morning garage work and it lasted a long time. As soon as the sun would rise, no one could know about my work in the garage, so I threw a tarp over the car and blew a single kiss to it as I closed the door. There behind that door lay my one golden ticket to get out of this place.













Jaihoo excerpt

Kaileesi sat on her plump saggy bottom and scribbled notes furiously into her Lisa Frank notebook with her gel pen. The notebook was divided in two: left pages were reserved for make-up tips, clothing ideas, gossip about boys, etc., while right pages were for cutting edge science and quantum Nye-Tyson equations. Currently, the left page was full of heart doodles and a note about Scott’s penis size, and the right page was full of 3D block letter question marks and heart doodles.

The professor, Joyce Nusbaum, was tenured and could not be fired no matter what radical communist opinions she shoved down people's throats, and also she made over a quarter-million DAO tokens per year. Kaileesi had immense respect for Joyce, because Joyce always said such brave and empowering things, like kill the rich and kill all men.

Professor Nusbaum was busily going through old science textbooks and reading aloud ideas and theories invented by men so that the class could laugh at them. She just finished up with Newton’s theory of gravity and all the girls in the class hooted uproariously because it was so antiquated and misogynistic. The current theory on the topic of gravity, Sarah’s Theory (sometimes called the SarahAshleyJennifer Theory), blew Newton’s theory out of the water.

The bell rang, and all the chickenhead dykes piled out of the room, stinking of feet and kitty litter and Febreze. Kaileesi hung back to talk to Professor Nusbaum one-on-one.

“Kaileesi, dear child... The preparations are nearly complete. We begin final testing this afternoon.”

Kaileesi nodded silently, knowing that Professor Joyce didn’t want her to open her stupid mouth and say some insipid hare-brained nonsense. On paper the professor was a die-hard MegaEquality proponent and total Gender Champion but in practice she was a bit of a misogynist, which was ironic because she was biologically male (most high-functioning and intelligent women, for whatever reason, were biologically male).

Kaileesi obediently plodded out the door holding her books. Her gross flip flops made a healthy smacking sound as she ambulated her fat body out into the hallway. Plop-smack, plop-smack, plop-smack, like the soundtrack at a Korean nail salon.

Jaihoo left his class a few minutes after and headed for the cafeteria--but at the end of the hall, the funniest thing happened. He couldn’t rememeber whether to turn left or right!

[INTERACT: If you think Jaihoo went left, carry on reading as you were. If you think he went right, turn the book upside-down and read the rest of the book backwards.]

In the cafeteria, Jaihoo waited patiently. He knew Kaileesi would often times be busy with a “friend” (sometimes Mark, sometimes Dave or Brian, sometimes one of the athletic and cool Skippies), and so he would buy her lunch and save her a seat every day. Today she was on time, and the two enjoyed some nice frothing mugs of Kraft Foods G-Plasm Excel. Jaihoo nibbled on his enhanced vegan herb salad with BPA and Estrosil-XR, but Kaileesi had an organic allergy so she ate a McDonald’s Big Mac from the school McDonald’s. Thankfully in 2016, hate sites like fatpeoplehate and coontown are outlawed, and with no place to convene, hateful bigots simply shrivel up and die. And so Kaileesi was able to enjoy a delicious Big Mac without being judged or ridiculed. In fact she was praised by the school Praise Brigade.